tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
