erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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