She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
