if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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