All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize