I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
