I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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