i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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