Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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