Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
