I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
