a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
