It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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