I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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