Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
