Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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