You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
