I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
