hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
