apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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