We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize