there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
