I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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