I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
