No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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