The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
