Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
