I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Can Purell be used as lube?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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