matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
