dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
