Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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