My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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