I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
