I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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