...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
