In America we eat man semen.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
