News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
