you guys were way drunker than both of me
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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