Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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