I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
