I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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