Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
