u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
