You smell like a Billy Joel song
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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