it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
