Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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