dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize