Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
