Barsexuality is the new black.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
