Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
