I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
