If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
