I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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