Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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