Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize