I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
