just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
