Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
