He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
